Profiles


I have been seeing profiles where the males on the site sound bitter and angry over how women act on Okcupid. Do they really believe girls will flock to them? I'd personally prefer my future boyfriend to not be a member in the "He-Man Woman Haters Club".


This one was just plain psychotic (and my favorite):

I love to breathe. I love cool breezes. I love whispering to God. I love shouting to God. I love riding a bike really fast down steep hills. I love walking very slowly on an empty wooded pathway. I love sitting in a rocking chair and enjoying the sun falling asleep in the distance. I love being alone in a crowd. I love running toward something. I love traveling, when living life is my goal, not getting away. I love the sounds of life. My favorite places are historical sites. My dream is to one day sneak into a three hundred year old house and make love on a rope bed. Sweet tea is my biggest weakness. I have been in love only twice. I think nuclear bombs are bad news. I am blessed beyond measure, beyond treasure. I'm very open. I used to play some music sometimes. I think you are a beautiful.



No white girls allowed:

You should message me if you like me and you want me as your best male friend on this earth and you like a man that would respect you with all his heart and mind with the tip of thoughts that would show you respect. I would like a spanish sweet heart that would be nice. I have been hurt to many times by white girls sorry to any of the white girls that might be offended by this on hear. I might give you a chance if you can show me that I can trust a white girl again. So that is what i would really like is for you women to give me a chance please please please please please give me a chance more then just one or two or three it might take more then that and so please please please please send me a nice message thank you.


Then we have makeup sex. No homoooo!:

The most private thing I’m willing to admit
i kiss my guy friends on the mouth (only a select few cuz we've known each other forever, no homo)...for instance... when they are flippin out on me for some stupid reason and we're up in each others' grill, i'll plant one on em since our faces are so close together. then we laugh about how gay that was and we go from mad to glad cuz that's funny stuff


Way more profiles under the cut.





Bitter party for 1:

Oh hi there, girl on the Internet! Feeling good? Inbox full of messages from guys? Awesome, glad to hear it.

Let's start with a disclaimer:
If you feel you have to ask about my last name (his last name is Bieber), check your license for your birth date, validate you are indeed older than 13 and realize people share last names and aren't related.

I don't think there's any number of pretentious books, music, travel destinations or recycled descriptions that would actually make you woman up and send a message.

This sound familiar? "I love to travel and have fun! I like to think of myself as a laid-back no drama person! I'm really shy at first but once you get to know me I open up! I'm actually kind of a nerd and I like [Star Wars/Videogames/Sports/Any male activity that you've been taught gives guys instant boners]. Oh and I love a guy that can make me laugh!"

I really doubt when strangers come up to you, you have a list on you, "Like cats? Listen to the following 25 bands? Are you an adrenaline junkie? Where in the World have you been? NOW MAKE ME LAUGH FUNNY MAN!"
Get realistic, you're not perfect and neither am I.


You should message me if: You are NOT a "southern belle" or have a country accent. Also, fat love is bad love. You aren't a shallow bitch who takes herself super seriously and thinks she's God's gift to men. You aren't.

*Note: I messaged the guy with the profile above asking why he was so angry. He replied with a long rant about how I am wrong and don't get sarcasm. I obviously know what sarcasm is, but my God, is that not sarcasm. He said he met a "really cool girl" on the site, but then she deleted her profile and he assumed she did it because, "She probably realized that there are only weirdos on this site." My response: "She deleted her profile and didn't make you her bf. You're still single. I think that says a lot." Men are in denial, I swear.



I pinged you:

1)**Million dollar question : Why do bitches end up with assholes 99% of the time, even though they "seem" to look for the right guy. Well because bitches deserve (and attract) assholes and vice-versa. As simple as that. The same thing goes for assholes too. Nature is symmetric as far as gender is concerned.

2) Do you consider yourself cool? the happening chica? the hottie in town? Ms.Attitude? If you are one of them and I pinged you, god help me.

3) If I have pinged you, I'm not trying to bed you, so chill out. If you don't want to talk, you can let me know and it is perfectly fine. Don't be insecure.

** This has been statistically observed. So sorry if it hurts**



The first paragraph of someone's profile:

i was really wondering if there are any cool women on this site. someone who looks good and not trying to be someone their not. and when i mean looks good, i really mean looks unbelievably beautiful or atleast looks that way to me. i have seen many women on this site who do look good but they come out to be total loser. they dont get to know the people that message them to see if their some they can be friends with or maybe more but no they dont bother, which makes them seem to be not good looking. if you dont bother replying a message to me then get off the site. from what i read from most of the womens profiles is that there are creepers and a bunch of losers who just looking to get led. find out by replying to their messages and if they start talking about that shit then tell them to bug off and never talk to them again. that well help you get to know guys who are not creepers and losers.



Normal, sexy, fun:

"UPDATE: Ok so I have been on here within a months time; and what is with all the bisexual woman on here? Demographically it doesn't add up;meaning, there are more lesbians on this site by percentage than in Cedar Rapids in comparison. What about this site draws them?

Secondly, no one messages back! Am I that much of a turn off? And if they do, they usually are ugly or weird. IS THERE A SWEET NICE GIRL OUT THERE (NORMAL, SEXY, FUN). OH AND HEALTHY?

Oh and one more thing...girls love to have an on going conversation on this site...I ask for their number just to have a fine minute conversation which I can tell a whole lot more. They always say, "I am not ready yet". What could I do with their number? So hard just to get a gf. Sad world....I am about to give up.

ONE MORE THING...I love the girls that are like on five dating websites at once. Do we really need to shot guns that many people? You are telling me that of the hundreds of dudes on here, you can't find one? This whole websites is fucking weird in itself."



I'm always the friend:

I would first like to start off by saying I am done playing games and I am looking to meet someone special that I could see myself with for a long time. I am a really nice guy and I absolutely love making others happy. The only problem is that too many girls out there that like @$$holes or do not like that I only want to be nice to them and treat them a women deserves to be treated. Then I am always just the "friend". So if you do not like the fact that I will not treat you like sh*tand I would rather be overly nice than be an ***hole then it obviously wouldn't work for us. When I am in a relationship I do everything I possibly can to keep my other half happy and excited to be with me. I also believe communication is the absolute most important part of a relationship. I do not like to guess what a woman wants because if you just tell me then I will do anything I need to do to make you happy. I am an emotional person and I have been told many times that I wear my emotions on my sleeve. I cannot and will not change that part of me so you will have to take me as I am. I am really hoping to meet someone special on here that I could enjoy spending a lot of time with. I am currently wrapping up my student teaching and then hopefully beginning my career as a teacher. I absolutely love teaching and children. I chose this career path because I love the energy of children and they always put a smile on my face. I also love helping others and influencing my students' lives in a positive way. I feel like loving what I will be doing for the rest of my life is more important than being rich and famous. I have had my time in the spotlight thanks to athletics and now it is my turn to help young people reach their own goals. I am a huge sports fanatic, which includes playing all sports and going to any professional sporting events when I get the chance. I am also a huge fan of music and movies. Some of the best nights I have had are just staying in, cuddling, and watching a great movie. Music is also a very important part of my life. I believe there is always a perfect song for the mood that I am in. As of right now I live in --- and I have not decided where I will work and live once I graduate. I love living near Chicago and firmly believe it is the best city in the world. Hopefully you like what you have read and please send me a message if you would like to get to know me :)



I'm the only normal one left: 

Lets see hmmm we r all on here for a reason in most cases seems like every1 may say one thing but really is another thing, such for instance about 90% of the men on here are going to be on a site like this for one thing ladies and im sure you know what that is :/ sorry to say, but its true. Its black and white with men and women i like to consider myself in the grey area cause im truly nothing like anymore else iv always been more older and mature for my age and have always gone after what i wanted in life and have never given up till i got it. Seems like im the only normal one left in this world that would like to find sum1 that wants to be serious and not cheat, lie, or b.u.l.l.s.h.i.t drama games and having trust. Without having trust with sum1 is like a car without gas it just wont go anywhere. Seems like this world is filled with A. drunk ***holes that like to fight all the time cause they think they gotta prove themselves or B. sluts and whores who just want to sleep around and not be serious. Well im above all that i am who i am and i dnt need to sell or prove myself to anymore with that being said. Im a down to earth person i recently just graduated from college with a double major and now in my career and could not be anymore happy with what i do. Friends play an important role in my life and I love hanging out with them! whether is at a club, bar, or just at home hanging out most. I come from a 100% polish family and am very close with them. This list could go on and on but anything else, feel free to ask ;)



Insecurity:

June 17th, 2011 - I just realized that nothing will ever come of this site no matter how long I try to use it so I think its about that time we all know and love where things take an awesome turn.

Yes...
LET'S FUCK AROUND.
First, my cock is so damn big its actually a hindrance to my lateral movement. What I wouldn't give to be much less endowed than God would have me be. Ever duct tape a real live seething anaconda to your inner thighs as you try to hold down a normal life? I would compare it to that sssssensation.
Huge.
Flaccid: 15.45 in. Hard: Estimated to be around an elephant's trunk to an Alaskan Oil pipe line.



The Unibomber made a profile:

Ok so my previous about me was all nice and sweet and sugar coated. After letting that ride for damn near 2 years I said to myself “self, that’s not you”. So here it is putting out there if you don’t like it, well fuck you and your special horse. I am an ass quite possibly the biggest ass you have ever met. I wear asshole like a medal on my chest. Our country was founded by the greatest minds in the world and Obama and these two party dickheads are fucking it up, if you disagree with the above statement that’s just fine, and I will defend your right to disagree. Chances are I hate the music you listen to, I hate your favorite movie, I won’t like your favorite book, but hey I might like you and that’s fine by me. I ride a bike, I am not the fucking punk ass wanna be biker like that shitty show “Sons of Anarchy” I don’t run guns, pimp girls and deal drugs. I do however own guns fyi, I plan on buying many more. Yes I have a pansy job I’m a computer networking tech, but the fun days are when I get to leave the office and climb the towers I have climbed up to 1350ft but mostly I stay around 500ft, I do this 3 days a week. I am divorced with two kids my son is 8 and my daughter is 6, they are truly the reason I worry about the state of the union. I believe in God, but I am not a religious person. I am the type of man who values loyalty over money and family over life and honor above all. As for my looks I am not a pretty boy in the least. I am a man lol a big man at 6’4 290lbs with dark brown hair and eyes and a throw back to my Scotts Irish genealogy a red mustache and goatee. My hobbies are very diverse from everything to camping and kayaking to reading a great book and of course cooking a fine meal. I'm pure biker trash! That means I'll ride anything with two wheels. I also ride with the Patriot Guard so if you don’t support our troops, police officers and firefighters well you can just go to hell.

So a few people mailed me and asked if my profile got hacked or something because it was rather hash..... My answer was short......... No 



I'm a very relaxed person:

You know, I was wondering what to put here for a while and I got kind of worried that I wasn't putting enough because of what I saw on other people's profiles. Then I realized I wasn't being very honest with myself. There's one really important thing you need to know about me: I really despise people who can't learn to shut the fuck up! If you're one of those people who just have to be talking about something constantly, then don't talk to me. I won't tell you to shut the fuck up to your face, unfortunately I'm far too polite of a person to do that. When I don't like someone, I just avoid them at all costs, that's how you know. If you see me pull out my phone and stroll the other way, it's best you assume our friendship is over. However, if you are the kind of person who can just enjoy the silence every now and then, maybe listen to music without some pointless filler conversation going, then maybe we could hangout. I'm a very calm, relaxed person, and would like to meet similar people. I can hold a conversation, but i won't talk for the sake of talking. I like to go out and live a little too, but I have too many friends who like to do that as of now, so if you're looking for someone to go to the bars with then move on. 


Here is fake confidence:

I have the body of a greek god and I'm intelligent. I'm the boy next door with a six pack and fucking strong hips.
No one’s on here to get married. Let’s be real. Whatever I say about myself you’ll probably just think is bullshit so here’s just a few things. It’s hard to meet people when you’re really smart because even people who are regular smart seem not-so-smart and they can tell you think that. I can’t force a smile even long enough to say hi in a bar or a club. I feel like a lowlife just being in places like that.

Instead I come to OkCupid because it works for me. Like that Woody Allen/Larry David movie Whatever Works. Did you see it? I’m really egalitarian like that. I never write to anyone without reading their profile first. I’m a man. I have a perfect sized cock. I’m hilarious.

That’s me, here’s you. You’re smart and good looking. Sometimes the people with the best personalities aren’t the ones with the best looks! SURPRISE! So you don’t have to be a model, please get over yourself. If you ARE even better but don’t be anorexic thank you. You’re a feminist. You're a naughty girl. You like to go to the grocery store in sweatpants that say juicy on the ass. You aren’t looking for someone obviously beneath you that you can just make into your bitch. That could never work on me. I like to be able to actually see your face when I talk to you so please not too heavy on the foundation. You will stand up for yourself and tell me to shut the fuck up on occasion. 

What I'm really good at: sex. I might not be the best you've ever had but I'm fucking far from average. You will not forget me. I'm the kind of guy you fall in love with. (Yet he's still single and on a dating site. Okay.)



Sounds sexy:

Please be a born female. Yes, I have been approached by TGs...not against it, it's your life, it's just not my thing. I AM informed on how to check for sex-of-birth so don't play games with me. I'm not going through that experience again...it was a TOTAL waste of time driving all the way to that movie theater to meet a "woman" with an Adam's apple the size of a fucking tangerine and I SWEAR I saw the imprint of a nut-sack under those jeans... Needless to say, I was pissed. It did, however provide me with some great comedy material, so I'm at least grateful to "Michelle" for that. 



I am off my medications:

its highly unlikely that we will get along, because theres a very high likelyhood that im smarter than you. i hate a lot of things, and a lot of people. i have a keen sense of observation and a deep, almost omniscient perception of human nature. i use this knowledge to fix things about people that i dislike, with or without their consent. if i had any problems of my own, i would use my abilities to fix them. luckily i dont.

ADDENDUM: why are 90% of the women in this state stupid vegan hipsters with terrible taste in music? WHY!?!??!

FURTHER ADDENDUM: i think its awesome when you specify in your profile that "omg i totally love animals, but NOT IN A SEXUAL WAY." the clarification really helps, ladies, thanks. gone are the visions of funneling live eels into your vagina. i guess we can talk about the weather or something now.

YEAH, AND ANOTHER THING: quit bitching that there isnt enough room to encapsulate all your fucking brilliance in a self summary. and quit using adjectives like "sensuous" when you describe yourself, for fucks sake. unless youre talking about your "moist cleft" and want to call my penis my "turgid manhood", that type of language has no goddamn place in your vocabulary.

I am tall, dark, and hate you 



Like Miley Cyrus, I can't be tamed:

So... yeah? I have changed since I've been on here so I've decided to update this thing; I loathe liars. For awhile now, my attitude is straight fuck it. I just stick to my goals and let everything else pass me by. I'm not a people person (I usually don't show this publicly) anymore because they just piss me off most of the time and drama makes me want to blast off in a space ship and never look back. I have few friends and not really looking for new ones. They describe me as a lion because I just sit tall and not give a fuck because I know I'm a king. I know I'm capabale of whatever I want to do and have nothing to prove to anybody but myself. I'm not for the faint of heart and cannot be tamed. I don't say much but I'm always thinking and observing. People are funny in that we're all fucked in the head but some people just can't admit it. If you don't like dark, and I mean sinister, humour or alcoholic bevrages then you should make like a tree and... I'll let you finish that thought... lol. All I want in this world is my accomplishments and someone I can stand to enjoy them with.



I'm not over my ex:
 
About a month before that... I took enough acid and DXM to convince myself that I could walk on walls (and was), that water burned the flesh off my bones (and had), and that I could fly, just to name a few.
My friends stayed up with me for 48-72 hours while I freaked out, arguing about whether or not to take me to a hospital, or mental institution.

Around the same time... I lost my apartment, my car, my job, my girl, and most of my friends. Between the beer and the nightly drunken runs to the all night taco stand, I blew up to over 300 lbs. I got myself thrown in jail a couple times for stupid shit, and not only blew all my money, but put myself into a huge debt.

Life is funny that way... if you let it, it will keep hitting you. And every time you think you've hit bottom, life proves you wrong in a big way. Suddenly, the last time I was in this situation doesn't seem so fucking bad. Now I'm 28 years old... and instead of my dad's garage at 21, I'm living in a fucking trailer. I left her pretty much whatever I had, and just had my car impounded because I made sure her son had a great Christmas, and gave her the money to fix her own car. 

Either way... she's "in love", engaged, and happy. Me? I'm lost, lonely, and incredibly fucking tired. It's not worth it any more... I'm destined for failure, and life is one miserable fucking punishment... some cruel, endurance test, that I'm no longer sure I want any part of. The easy route out, suddenly sounds pretty fucking soothing.


A super long, I hate women profile:

Here, click.




A made up profile, but rings true to the guys on there ;):

Here, click